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Topical Tithing

Two friends were discussing the vicar’s sermon on tithing. “Times are difficult,” said one, “but it seems an important subject and I suppose we should follow what he said.”  His friend commented, “I wonder, though, how far you can take this tithing business. For instance, in this time of shortages,  if I managed to buy thirty toilet rolls, would I be expected to give three to the church?”


Bad Language

Little Tommy’s Sunday School teacher heard him use some questionable language. She was shocked and said, “Tommy, don’t you ever use such language again, and certainly not where your friends and I can hear it. Where on earth did you learn that?” “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replied Tommy. “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that means.” “Oh but I do,” said Tommy, “It meant the car wouldn’t start when we were ready to come to church this morning.”


Cold Calls

Do you sometimes get pestered by unwanted telephone calls from people who want to either sell you something or get you to take part in a survey? If you see a number on your phone you don’t recognise, try answering the phone with, “Hello, thanks for ringing Radio Stoke. You’re on the air now!”  Most of them will hang up.


The Retreat

A country conference centre which was much used by church groups had as its motto, “There are no problems here, only opportunities.” A minister booked it for a weekend retreat with a group from his church. The day arrived and they all signed in and were shown to their rooms. A few minutes later the minister returned to the reception desk and said he had a problem. The receptionist responded with a smile and said, “Sir we don’t have problems here, only opportunities.” The minister said, “Call it what you like, but there’s already a woman in my room.”


The call of God

(This is a translation of a poster found in a church in France)
 When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear ‘the call of God’. However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to Him. If you want to see Him, send Him a text while driving away.


Why Jesus walked on water

A tourist, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost £50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.  “Goodness,” he objected to the travel agent.  “In England it would not have been more than £20.”

“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.”

“Well, at £50 an hour for a boat,” said the tourist, “it’s no wonder He walked.”


Incomplete

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.


Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
– Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line

1. Do these steps go up or down?

2. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

3. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

4. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

5. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

6. Does the ship make its own electricity?

7. Is it salt-water in the toilets?

8. What elevation are we at?

9. There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day… the question was asked: ‘If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?’

10. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?


Good and kind

The retiring sidesman was instructing his youthful successor in his Sunday morning duties.  “And remember, my boy,” he said, “that we have nothing but good, kind Christians in this church – until you try to put someone else in their pew.”


A wee bit too pious

A Scottish lady invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, and he accepted with the dour reservation: “If I am spared.”

“Weel, weel,” she replied briskly, “If ye’re deid I’ll no’expect ye.”


Asleep

A young man fell asleep in the Sunday morning service, and soon began to snore. The preacher stopped and impatiently motioned to the young boy beside the man to wake him up.  The boy said: “Wake him up yourself, you put him to sleep.”


Water

The Bishop was coming to speak at Deanery Synod and everything that could be done to make the evening a success had been done. There were fresh flowers on the table, and coffee and cakes prepared.  When the Bishop arrived, however, he was in a crabby frame of mind. Looking around, he beckoned a nervous vicar over. “I would like to have a glass of water in front of me on the table, if you please,” he said.

“To drink?”  was the vicar’s idiotic question.

“Oh no,” was the sarcastic reply. “When I’ve been speaking half an hour about parish shares, I do a high dive.”


Meow

“What is your kitty’s name, James?” asked the visitor.

“Ben Hur,” said James.

“That’s a funny name for a cat.  Why did you name it that?”

“Well, we just called him Ben – until he had kittens.”