The wedding photographer

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him… Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him!

New Shrub Trimmer

I bought a new shrub trimmer today. I proudly showed it my son.

“Have a look at this!” I said.

He replied, “That’s great dad.”

I said, “It’s cutting hedge technology!”

Recommended Author

I asked the librarian to recommend an author who writes dinosaur books. “Try Sarah Topps,” she replied.

Floral Delivery

I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife… I thought it would be a romantic jester!

The Garage Mechanic

I was so worried that the garage mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars… Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid!

Wrong Answer

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking… Apparently ‘Slimming World’ was not the right answer!


Student essay:   Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives.  This is quite usual with actors.

Have A Nice Day

Why is it that saying: “Have a nice day” sounds friendly, but saying “Enjoy your next 24hours” sounds threatening?

Writing home

A boy was sent by his parents to a school a long distance from home.  He had been strictly enjoined to write home regularly and tell them all about himself and his new life.  At the end of the first week, his first text arrived: “There are 370 boys here.  I wish there were 369.”

As you get older!

As you get older the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.

Carrie Fisher, American actress, writer and comedian.

Sources : Association for Church Editors, Parish Pump and various internet sites!