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Keep your distance!

I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch you with a six-foot pole” would become national policy, but here we are!


At the Hardware Shop

While repairing a picture frame, a lady had to replace some chipped gold leaf. She asked at the hardware shop, “Do you have any gilt?” The shopkeeper replied. “Sometimes it’s overwhelming,” 


The Christening

While watching her baby brother being christened in church, a little girl caught the attention of the minister and she whispered, “Behind his ears too, please.”


Happy Magistrate

The magistrate was in a happy mood when he asked the man who was in the dock, What are you charged with?”  

The man replied, “Doing my shopping too early, sir.”

The magistrate said, “That’s no crime;  just how early were you doing your shopping?”

Came the reply, “Before the shop opened, sir.”


Lost Handbag

A lady lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of a large store. A small boy found it and he returned it to the information desk.

The worried lady turned up while he was there and she was relieved to see her handbag had been returned. Looking in her purse, the lady said, “That’s strange, when I lost my bag there was a £20 note in the purse. Now there are three £5 notes and five £1 coins.”

With a cheeky look on his face, the boy said, “That’s right madam. I was always told at my church not to take anything that didn’t belong to me. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she lady said she didn’t have any change.


The Prayer

 A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, we had such a good time at church today. I wish you could have been there.”


Karl Marx’s Sister

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol…


No Dogs

I took my sheepdog to the beach but he wasn’t allowed on…

Apparently it was a Ban Collie Day!


The Shoplifter

A woman was in court for shoplifting.

The judge said, “What did you take?”

She replied, “A tin of pears.” “How many pears in the tin?” “6.”

“Ok, I’m giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson.”

Her husband stood up & said, “Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!”


Body parts

A doctor in our village surgery often plays a game with his younger patients to put them at ease, and to test their knowledge of body parts. And so it was that one day, while pointing to my young son’s ear, the doctor asked him solemnly, “Is this your nose?”

Alarmed, my son glanced over to me and said softly: “Mum, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”


Shock

On a bus a man gave his seat to a woman.  She fainted.  On recovering, she thanked him.  Then he fainted.


Who’s right for which job?

Does your company struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs?  Here is a handy way to decide…. 
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.  At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the cracks in the floor,  assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good place for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.


Multiply

Noah opened up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!” He began to close the great doors of the ark when he noticed that there were two snakes still sitting in a dark corner. Concerned, he said to them: “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”

“We can’t,” said the snakes sadly. “We’re adders.”


Sick of preaching

Our new vicar had just been prescribed bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact, he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He tried to explain this to the congregation on Sunday: “I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses. You see, when I look down, I can see fine, but when I look at you all, it makes me feel sick.”