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New Boy at Sunday Club

A new boy turned up at a Sunday Club and the leader asked him a few questions to break the ice and ended with asking him what his father did. He’s a magician, sir,” said the boy.

“How interesting,” said the leader, “What’s his favourite trick –  what is he really very good at doing?”

The boy replied, “He’s very good at sawing people in half.” The leader was impressed.

“Now tell me something more about yourself, do you have any brothers and sisters?” asked the teacher. “Yes sir,” replied Johnny, I have one brother and two half sisters.”


Film Evening

A man running a little behind schedule arrived at a church film evening and, in the semi darkness, he managed to find a seat.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film. It even seemed to be enjoying the film, wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

At the end the man approached the dog’s owner, “Wow, I’m amazed at how your dog really seemed to enjoy the film” The owner replied, “Yes, I can’t believe it myself, because he hated the book.”


Late Night Birth

It was late at night and a lady who was expecting her second child was at home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Molly. The lady started to go into labour and called 999.

Only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The room was dimly lit, so the paramedic asked Molly to hold a torch so he could see better to deliver the baby. Soon, a little  baby boy was born and the paramedic lifted him up, smacked him gently and the baby began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked the wide-eyed Molly for her help, and asked her what she thought about the baby boy.  She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place – smack him again.”


How to make your wife more efficient

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “But whatever you do, do NOT attempt these task-organising tips at home,” he said. 

When he was asked why not, he explained: “Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast. I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So, I told her: ‘Darling you are making too many trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would only try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’”  He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her 15 minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”


What it says on the sign

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optician’s office:  “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a house’s fence:  “Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a car exhaust centre: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”


Not a bride

“Something’s wrong with me,” sighed a young lady after a wedding. “I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, I even caught the bouquet, too; but I’m still single.”

“Next time,” advised her grandmother, “don’t reach for the flowers; reach for the best man.”


Competitive

A champion athlete in bed with a cold was told that he had a high temperature. “How high is it?” he asked the attending physician.

“A hundred and one.”

“What’s the world record?”


Air Raid Siren

During the war, the old couple got used to reacting to the air raid siren, rushing down the garden and into the Anderson shelter until the raid was over. One such night, they had only just got into the shelter when the old lady starting running back towards the house. “What are you doing” shouted her husband, “I’ve forgot my false teeth” she shouted back. “Don’t be so stupid” shouted her husband, ” they are dropping bombs, not meat pies”


Bike Job

I’ve just started working at a bicycle factory.

I’m their spokesperson.


Sources : Association for Church Editors & Parish Pump (Derek the Cleric cartoon © Andy Robb)