Disperse them

A young clergyman, fresh out of training, thought it would help him better understand the harsh realities his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”He got the job.


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious young woman. “I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.

“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.

“No,” the caller answered, “No, I’m brunette.”

Puzzling Jigsaw

A little, silver-haired lady called her neighbour and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbour decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” and he says this with a deep sigh…

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

Fall down

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic and start running toward you, you’re old.


I called the RSPCA today to report I had just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.”That’s terrible,” she said. “Are they moving?”

“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I replied, “But that would explain the suitcase.”


A man went to his doctor to say that his eyesight was getting worse. The doctor asked the man to look out the window and to tell him what he saw. “I see the sun,” the man replied.

The doctor replied: “Just how much farther do you want to see?”

Slow down

Each Sunday morning our minister was mildly irritated by a member of the congregation who was a fast reader. Finally, announcing the 23rd Psalm, he added:

“And will the lady who is always by ‘the still waters’ while the rest of us are still in ‘green pastures,’ please pause until we catch up?”

Chain Vicars

If you are unhappy with our vicar, simply have our churchwarden send a copy of this letter to six other churches who are also tired of their vicar.

Then bundle up our vicar and send him to the church on the top of the list in the letter.  Within a week you will receive 16,435 vicars and one of them should be all right!

Have faith in this chain letter for vicars.  Do not break the chain.  One church did – and got their old vicar back!

(From a Salisbury Theological College leaflet)


The church newsletter announced details of the church creche: ‘Children are normally collected during the Offertory Hymn.’


An exam for R.E. asked the following question: ‘What does a Bishop do?’

Came one answer: ‘Move diagonally across the board.’

Pray with Grannie

A small boy went to church with his grandmother and joined her when she quietly slipped off the pew to kneel and pray. He even copied her example of burying her face in her hands. But after a few seconds his curiosity got the better of him. “Who are we hiding from, grannie?”

God’s Plan for Ageing?

Most senior citizens don’t get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that senior citizens become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made senior citizens lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided senior citizens would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest, even though you mutter under your breath.

Outside B&Q

I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was…

I said, “The same size as the B!”


It was the funeral of the inventor of the dishwasher today.  The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

Failed Exam

My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music…

I said, “Didja redo it?”