Guilty Teacher

A woman was found guilty in court for a motoring offence and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

He then smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ’I will not jump a red light’ one hundred times.”

Wet Floor

A police officer called the station on his radio. “I need back up here. The Vicar’s wife shot her husband for stepping on the floor that she had just mopped.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet, Sarge. The floor’s still wet!”

Divine Intervention?

A little boy was playing outside with his mother’s broom in the garden.

That night his mother realised her broom was still missing and asked her son to go out and bring it in.

When the little boy confessed he was afraid of the dark, his mother tried to comfort him: ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid.’

Hesitantly, the little boy opened the back door and peered out. 

He called softly: ‘Lord, since you’re out there already, please will you pass me the broom?’

Lot’s wife

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.’

His son looked up, concerned.  ‘What happened to the flea?’


The nice thing about becoming forgetful is that you can hide your own Easter eggs

Double Booked

A mate has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland on Saturday.

He didn’t realise it was the same day as his wedding, so he is looking for someone to take his place.

It’s at Chelsea Registry Office at 4pm. The bride’s called Sarah, she is 5’ 4”, pretty and a really good cook!


I’ve bought myself some fancy new electric garden trimmers…

They’re cutting-hedge technology!

I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting… I wonder what she’s up to now?

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when suddenly the guy on the triangle disappeared.

My wife said she’s leaving because I’m obsessed with supermarkets… “Do you want any help with your packing?” I said.

What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once…

A four loaf cleaver!