I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch you with a six-foot pole” would become national policy, but here we are!
At the Hardware Shop
While repairing a picture frame, a lady had to replace some chipped gold leaf. She asked at the hardware shop, “Do you have any gilt?” The shopkeeper replied. “Sometimes it’s overwhelming,”
While watching her baby brother being christened in church, a little girl caught the attention of the minister and she whispered, “Behind his ears too, please.”
The magistrate was in a happy mood when he asked the man who was in the dock, What are you charged with?”
The man replied, “Doing my shopping too early, sir.”
The magistrate said, “That’s no crime; just how early were you doing your shopping?”
Came the reply, “Before the shop opened, sir.”
A lady lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of a large store. A small boy found it and he returned it to the information desk.
The worried lady turned up while he was there and she was relieved to see her handbag had been returned. Looking in her purse, the lady said, “That’s strange, when I lost my bag there was a £20 note in the purse. Now there are three £5 notes and five £1 coins.”
With a cheeky look on his face, the boy said, “That’s right madam. I was always told at my church not to take anything that didn’t belong to me. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she lady said she didn’t have any change.
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, we had such a good time at church today. I wish you could have been there.”
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol…
I took my sheepdog to the beach but he wasn’t allowed on…
Apparently it was a Ban Collie Day!
A woman was in court for shoplifting.
The judge said, “What did you take?”
She replied, “A tin of pears.” “How many pears in the tin?” “6.”
“Ok, I’m giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson.”
Her husband stood up & said, “Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!”
A doctor in our village surgery often plays a game with his younger patients to put them at ease, and to test their knowledge of body parts. And so it was that one day, while pointing to my young son’s ear, the doctor asked him solemnly, “Is this your nose?”
Alarmed, my son glanced over to me and said softly: “Mum, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”
On a bus a man gave his seat to a woman. She fainted. On recovering, she thanked him. Then he fainted.
Who’s right for which job?
Does your company struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy way to decide…. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the cracks in the floor, assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good place for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications. If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.
Noah opened up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!” He began to close the great doors of the ark when he noticed that there were two snakes still sitting in a dark corner. Concerned, he said to them: “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”
“We can’t,” said the snakes sadly. “We’re adders.”
Sick of preaching
Our new vicar had just been prescribed bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact, he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He tried to explain this to the congregation on Sunday: “I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses. You see, when I look down, I can see fine, but when I look at you all, it makes me feel sick.”
The church treasurer came down early one morning and complained to his wife that he had hardly slept a wink. His wife asked ,
“Why on earth didn’t you count sheep?
He replied, “I did, and that’s what got me into trouble – I made a mistake in the first hour, and it took me until early morning to correct it.”
Hic!! A church notice sheet was prepared in great haste and it contained the following announcement. A proof reader would have helped! “There will be a special meeting of the Church Council next Saturday morning. We hope all members will be able to attend. It will be gin with breakfast at 7.30am.
Unhearing Vicar Following a short illness, a vicar lost his hearing, but he continued to preach the following Sunday morning. At lunch he told his family it was a very strange experience because he couldn’t hear himself preach.
One his his mischievous children promptly responded with, “You don’t know how lucky you were.”
Pancakes A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the chance for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Quick as a flash, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
Seagull A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?”
“He died and went to heaven,” the father replied.
The boy thought a moment and then asked: “Why did God throw him back down?”
Wise Words You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
More Wise Words Taking a dog called Shark to the beach is not a good idea!
The Magician What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian
Problem For Flat Earth Society Members The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the two metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
The Bandleader What did the bandleader call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Magic Carpet Racing Did you hear about the magic carpet racing world championship? Aladdin got banned due to performance enhancing rugs.
In The Restaurant Two women were in a restaurant when a duck walks in with a dozen red roses, places them on the table and says, “You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes”.
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, “No, we ordered AROMATIC duck!!!”
A new boy turned up at a Sunday Club and the leader asked him a few questions to break the ice and ended with asking him what his father did. He’s a magician, sir,” said the boy.
“How interesting,” said the leader, “What’s his favourite trick – what is he really very good at doing?”
The boy replied, “He’s very good at sawing people in half.” The leader was impressed.
“Now tell me something more about yourself, do you have any brothers and sisters?” asked the teacher. “Yes sir,” replied Johnny, I have one brother and two half sisters.”
A man running a little behind schedule arrived at a church film evening and, in the semi darkness, he managed to find a seat.
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film. It even seemed to be enjoying the film, wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
At the end the man approached the dog’s owner, “Wow, I’m amazed at how your dog really seemed to enjoy the film” The owner replied, “Yes, I can’t believe it myself, because he hated the book.”
Late Night Birth
It was late at night and a lady who was expecting her second child was at home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Molly. The lady started to go into labour and called 999.
Only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The room was dimly lit, so the paramedic asked Molly to hold a torch so he could see better to deliver the baby. Soon, a little baby boy was born and the paramedic lifted him up, smacked him gently and the baby began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked the wide-eyed Molly for her help, and asked her what she thought about the baby boy. She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place – smack him again.”
How to make your wife more efficient
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “But whatever you do, do NOT attempt these task-organising tips at home,” he said.
When he was asked why not, he explained: “Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast. I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So, I told her: ‘Darling you are making too many trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would only try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’” He paused.
“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.
“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her 15 minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”
What it says on the sign
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an optician’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
On a house’s fence: “Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a car exhaust centre: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
Not a bride
“Something’s wrong with me,” sighed a young lady after a wedding. “I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, I even caught the bouquet, too; but I’m still single.”
“Next time,” advised her grandmother, “don’t reach for the flowers; reach for the best man.”
A champion athlete in bed with a cold was told that he had a high temperature. “How high is it?” he asked the attending physician.
“A hundred and one.”
“What’s the world record?”
Air Raid Siren
During the war, the old couple got used to reacting to the air raid siren, rushing down the garden and into the Anderson shelter until the raid was over. One such night, they had only just got into the shelter when the old lady starting running back towards the house. “What are you doing” shouted her husband, “I’ve forgot my false teeth” she shouted back. “Don’t be so stupid” shouted her husband, ” they are dropping bombs, not meat pies”
Two friends were discussing the vicar’s sermon on tithing. “Times are difficult,” said one, “but it seems an important subject and I suppose we should follow what he said.” His friend commented, “I wonder, though, how far you can take this tithing business. For instance, in this time of shortages, if I managed to buy thirty toilet rolls, would I be expected to give three to the church?”
Little Tommy’s Sunday School teacher heard him use some questionable language. She was shocked and said, “Tommy, don’t you ever use such language again, and certainly not where your friends and I can hear it. Where on earth did you learn that?” “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replied Tommy. “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that means.” “Oh but I do,” said Tommy, “It meant the car wouldn’t start when we were ready to come to church this morning.”
Do you sometimes get pestered by unwanted telephone calls from people who want to either sell you something or get you to take part in a survey? If you see a number on your phone you don’t recognise, try answering the phone with, “Hello, thanks for ringing Radio Stoke. You’re on the air now!” Most of them will hang up.
A country conference centre which was much used by church groups had as its motto, “There are no problems here, only opportunities.” A minister booked it for a weekend retreat with a group from his church. The day arrived and they all signed in and were shown to their rooms. A few minutes later the minister returned to the reception desk and said he had a problem. The receptionist responded with a smile and said, “Sir we don’t have problems here, only opportunities.” The minister said, “Call it what you like, but there’s already a woman in my room.”
The call of God
(This is a translation of a poster found in a church in France) When you enter this church it may be possible that you hear ‘the call of God’. However, it is unlikely that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a quiet place and talk to Him. If you want to see Him, send Him a text while driving away.
Why Jesus walked on water
A tourist, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost £50 an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. “Goodness,” he objected to the travel agent. “In England it would not have been more than £20.”
“That might be true,” said the travel agent, “but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked.”
“Well, at £50 an hour for a boat,” said the tourist, “it’s no wonder He walked.”
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship – Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line
1. Do these steps go up or down?
2. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
3. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
4. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
5. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
6. Does the ship make its own electricity?
7. Is it salt-water in the toilets?
8. What elevation are we at?
9. There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day… the question was asked: ‘If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?’
10. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
Good and kind
The retiring sidesman was instructing his youthful successor in his Sunday morning duties. “And remember, my boy,” he said, “that we have nothing but good, kind Christians in this church – until you try to put someone else in their pew.”
A wee bit too pious
A Scottish lady invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, and he accepted with the dour reservation: “If I am spared.”
A young man fell asleep in the Sunday morning service, and soon began to snore. The preacher stopped and impatiently motioned to the young boy beside the man to wake him up. The boy said: “Wake him up yourself, you put him to sleep.”
The Bishop was coming to speak at Deanery Synod and everything that could be done to make the evening a success had been done. There were fresh flowers on the table, and coffee and cakes prepared. When the Bishop arrived, however, he was in a crabby frame of mind. Looking around, he beckoned a nervous vicar over. “I would like to have a glass of water in front of me on the table, if you please,” he said.
“To drink?” was the vicar’s idiotic question.
“Oh no,” was the sarcastic reply. “When I’ve been speaking half an hour about parish shares, I do a high dive.”
“What is your kitty’s name, James?” asked the visitor.
“Ben Hur,” said James.
“That’s a funny name for a cat. Why did you name it that?”
“Well, we just called him Ben – until he had kittens.”