A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him… Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him!
New Shrub Trimmer
I bought a new shrub trimmer today. I proudly showed it my son.
“Have a look at this!” I said.
He replied, “That’s great dad.”
I said, “It’s cutting hedge technology!”
I asked the librarian to recommend an author who writes dinosaur books. “Try Sarah Topps,” she replied.
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife… I thought it would be a romantic jester!
The Garage Mechanic
I was so worried that the garage mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars… Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid!
My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking… Apparently ‘Slimming World’ was not the right answer!
Student essay: Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
Have A Nice Day
Why is it that saying: “Have a nice day” sounds friendly, but saying “Enjoy your next 24hours” sounds threatening?
A boy was sent by his parents to a school a long distance from home. He had been strictly enjoined to write home regularly and tell them all about himself and his new life. At the end of the first week, his first text arrived: “There are 370 boys here. I wish there were 369.”
As you get older!
As you get older the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
Carrie Fisher, American actress, writer and comedian.
Sources : Association for Church Editors, Parish Pump and various internet sites!
I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch you with a six-foot pole” would become national policy, but here we are!
At the Hardware Shop
While repairing a picture frame, a lady had to replace some chipped gold leaf. She asked at the hardware shop, “Do you have any gilt?” The shopkeeper replied. “Sometimes it’s overwhelming,”
While watching her baby brother being christened in church, a little girl caught the attention of the minister and she whispered, “Behind his ears too, please.”
The magistrate was in a happy mood when he asked the man who was in the dock, What are you charged with?”
The man replied, “Doing my shopping too early, sir.”
The magistrate said, “That’s no crime; just how early were you doing your shopping?”
Came the reply, “Before the shop opened, sir.”
A lady lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of a large store. A small boy found it and he returned it to the information desk.
The worried lady turned up while he was there and she was relieved to see her handbag had been returned. Looking in her purse, the lady said, “That’s strange, when I lost my bag there was a £20 note in the purse. Now there are three £5 notes and five £1 coins.”
With a cheeky look on his face, the boy said, “That’s right madam. I was always told at my church not to take anything that didn’t belong to me. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she lady said she didn’t have any change.
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, “Dear God, we had such a good time at church today. I wish you could have been there.”
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol…
I took my sheepdog to the beach but he wasn’t allowed on…
Apparently it was a Ban Collie Day!
A woman was in court for shoplifting.
The judge said, “What did you take?”
She replied, “A tin of pears.” “How many pears in the tin?” “6.”
“Ok, I’m giving you 6 weeks in prison to teach you a lesson.”
Her husband stood up & said, “Excuse me, she also took a large tin of peas!”
A doctor in our village surgery often plays a game with his younger patients to put them at ease, and to test their knowledge of body parts. And so it was that one day, while pointing to my young son’s ear, the doctor asked him solemnly, “Is this your nose?”
Alarmed, my son glanced over to me and said softly: “Mum, I think we’d better find a new doctor!”
On a bus a man gave his seat to a woman. She fainted. On recovering, she thanked him. Then he fainted.
Who’s right for which job?
Does your company struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy way to decide…. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the cracks in the floor, assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good place for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications. If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.
Noah opened up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to “Go forth and multiply!” He began to close the great doors of the ark when he noticed that there were two snakes still sitting in a dark corner. Concerned, he said to them: “Didn’t you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.”
“We can’t,” said the snakes sadly. “We’re adders.”
Sick of preaching
Our new vicar had just been prescribed bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact, he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He tried to explain this to the congregation on Sunday: “I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses. You see, when I look down, I can see fine, but when I look at you all, it makes me feel sick.”
The church treasurer came down early one morning and complained to his wife that he had hardly slept a wink. His wife asked ,
“Why on earth didn’t you count sheep?
He replied, “I did, and that’s what got me into trouble – I made a mistake in the first hour, and it took me until early morning to correct it.”
Hic!! A church notice sheet was prepared in great haste and it contained the following announcement. A proof reader would have helped! “There will be a special meeting of the Church Council next Saturday morning. We hope all members will be able to attend. It will be gin with breakfast at 7.30am.
Unhearing Vicar Following a short illness, a vicar lost his hearing, but he continued to preach the following Sunday morning. At lunch he told his family it was a very strange experience because he couldn’t hear himself preach.
One his his mischievous children promptly responded with, “You don’t know how lucky you were.”
Pancakes A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the chance for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Quick as a flash, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
Seagull A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?”
“He died and went to heaven,” the father replied.
The boy thought a moment and then asked: “Why did God throw him back down?”
Wise Words You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
More Wise Words Taking a dog called Shark to the beach is not a good idea!
The Magician What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian
Problem For Flat Earth Society Members The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the two metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
The Bandleader What did the bandleader call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Magic Carpet Racing Did you hear about the magic carpet racing world championship? Aladdin got banned due to performance enhancing rugs.
In The Restaurant Two women were in a restaurant when a duck walks in with a dozen red roses, places them on the table and says, “You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes”.
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, “No, we ordered AROMATIC duck!!!”
A new boy turned up at a Sunday Club and the leader asked him a few questions to break the ice and ended with asking him what his father did. He’s a magician, sir,” said the boy.
“How interesting,” said the leader, “What’s his favourite trick – what is he really very good at doing?”
The boy replied, “He’s very good at sawing people in half.” The leader was impressed.
“Now tell me something more about yourself, do you have any brothers and sisters?” asked the teacher. “Yes sir,” replied Johnny, I have one brother and two half sisters.”
A man running a little behind schedule arrived at a church film evening and, in the semi darkness, he managed to find a seat.
As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film. It even seemed to be enjoying the film, wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
At the end the man approached the dog’s owner, “Wow, I’m amazed at how your dog really seemed to enjoy the film” The owner replied, “Yes, I can’t believe it myself, because he hated the book.”
Late Night Birth
It was late at night and a lady who was expecting her second child was at home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Molly. The lady started to go into labour and called 999.
Only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The room was dimly lit, so the paramedic asked Molly to hold a torch so he could see better to deliver the baby. Soon, a little baby boy was born and the paramedic lifted him up, smacked him gently and the baby began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked the wide-eyed Molly for her help, and asked her what she thought about the baby boy. She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place – smack him again.”
How to make your wife more efficient
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “But whatever you do, do NOT attempt these task-organising tips at home,” he said.
When he was asked why not, he explained: “Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast. I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So, I told her: ‘Darling you are making too many trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would only try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’” He paused.
“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.
“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her 15 minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”
What it says on the sign
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
At an optician’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
On a house’s fence: “Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a car exhaust centre: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
Not a bride
“Something’s wrong with me,” sighed a young lady after a wedding. “I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, I even caught the bouquet, too; but I’m still single.”
“Next time,” advised her grandmother, “don’t reach for the flowers; reach for the best man.”
A champion athlete in bed with a cold was told that he had a high temperature. “How high is it?” he asked the attending physician.
“A hundred and one.”
“What’s the world record?”
Air Raid Siren
During the war, the old couple got used to reacting to the air raid siren, rushing down the garden and into the Anderson shelter until the raid was over. One such night, they had only just got into the shelter when the old lady starting running back towards the house. “What are you doing” shouted her husband, “I’ve forgot my false teeth” she shouted back. “Don’t be so stupid” shouted her husband, ” they are dropping bombs, not meat pies”