A woman was found guilty in court for a motoring offence and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
He then smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ’I will not jump a red light’ one hundred times.”
Wet Floor
A police officer called the station on his radio. “I need back up here. The Vicar’s wife shot her husband for stepping on the floor that she had just mopped.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“Not yet, Sarge. The floor’s still wet!”
Divine Intervention?
A little boy was playing outside with his mother’s broom in the garden.
That night his mother realised her broom was still missing and asked her son to go out and bring it in.
When the little boy confessed he was afraid of the dark, his mother tried to comfort him: ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid.’
Hesitantly, the little boy opened the back door and peered out.
He called softly: ‘Lord, since you’re out there already, please will you pass me the broom?’
Lot’s wife
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.’
His son looked up, concerned. ‘What happened to the flea?’
Nice
The nice thing about becoming forgetful is that you can hide your own Easter eggs
Double Booked
A mate has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland on Saturday.
He didn’t realise it was the same day as his wedding, so he is looking for someone to take his place.
It’s at Chelsea Registry Office at 4pm. The bride’s called Sarah, she is 5’ 4”, pretty and a really good cook!
Shorts
I’ve bought myself some fancy new electric garden trimmers…
They’re cutting-hedge technology!
I left my wife because she was obsessed with counting… I wonder what she’s up to now?
I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when suddenly the guy on the triangle disappeared.
My wife said she’s leaving because I’m obsessed with supermarkets… “Do you want any help with your packing?” I said.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once…
Things we would not have known without Sunday School
With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of pre-schoolers.
Squash and song motions do not mix.
When dropped, offering money always rolls to the other side of the room.
Children’s prayer requests reveal a lot about their parents.
Bishop
A little girl told her mother, “We went to a confirmation service at the cathedral and I saw the bishop. Now I know what a crook looks like!”
Definitions from church life
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
PEWSHEET: Your receipt for attending Morning Service
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Sunday morning worship, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in some churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of a formal Sung Eucharist, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
SIDESMEN: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew
From a parish newsletter:
‘Children are normally collected during the Offertory Hymn’
Bend
I got a package in the mail the other day that had written on the front, ‘Photographs: Do Not Bend.
Underneath the postman had written: “Oh yes they do.”
Cats and dogs
Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, “Go ahead, you can make it.”
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
Little old lady seeks handsome young man
An advert appeared in a student newspaper of a university: “Sweet little old lady wishes to correspond with good-looking university student – especially a six-footer with brown eyes, answering to initials J.A.D.” It was signed: “his mother.”
Paradise lost?
A young mother stood in her kitchen and watched her baby screaming, her sons fighting, her daughter crying, the washing machine leaking, and the dog being sick. She sighed and said to her friend: “I sometimes wish I’d loved and lost.”
Peace
After a very long and boring sermon, the parishioners glumly filed out of the church past the minister. Towards the end of the queue was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. “Vicar, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”
The vicar was thrilled. “Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why.”
“Because it endured forever.”
Knock knock
A conscientious minister decided to get acquainted with a new family in his church and so he visited them one Spring evening. After his knock on the door, a lilting voice from within called out, “Is that you, Angel?”
“No,” replied the minister. “But I’m from the same department.”
Dressed up
An evangelical vicar was asked to celebrate Holy Communion for his Anglo-Catholic neighbour who was ill. Unfamiliar with some of the vestments, he did the best he could. Breakfasting at the vicarage afterwards he said to the vicar’s wife that he hoped he had got all the vestments on properly. “Oh yes,” she said, “you were quite all right – except that my husband does not usually wear the book-markers!”
Give me a sense of humour, Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, and pass it on to other folk
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
Switched on
A housewife was helping her aged mother get up the stairs on their brand-new stair lift when the minister telephoned her. He was horrified to hear her say: “I’m so sorry, but I’ll have to ring you back. I can’t talk right now because I’ve finally got Mother in the electric chair and I’m eager to press the switch and see if it works!
On offer
A bishop, invited to dinner at a large country house, was surprised not to be offered anything but water to drink, and eventually appealed to his very beautiful hostess: “Do you think I might have a drop of wine?”
The lady threw up her hands in horror and replied; “Bishop, I am so sorry! I thought you were Chair of the Church of England Temperance Society.”
“Not at all,” said the bishop, adding “but I am Chair of the Anti-Porn campaign.”
“Oh!” came the reply. “I knew there was something I could not offer you.”
Headline in a Local Paper
Cadbury’s lorry collides with Lego truck on the motorway. Police said that the road is “choc-a-block”
A young clergyman, fresh out of training, thought it would help him better understand the harsh realities his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”
He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”He got the job.
Diabetic
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious young woman. “I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “No, I’m brunette.”
Puzzling Jigsaw
A little, silver-haired lady called her neighbour and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her neighbour decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” and he says this with a deep sigh…
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Fall down
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic and start running toward you, you’re old.
Fox
I called the RSPCA today to report I had just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.”That’s terrible,” she said. “Are they moving?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest,” I replied, “But that would explain the suitcase.”
Eyesight
A man went to his doctor to say that his eyesight was getting worse. The doctor asked the man to look out the window and to tell him what he saw. “I see the sun,” the man replied.
The doctor replied: “Just how much farther do you want to see?”
Slow down
Each Sunday morning our minister was mildly irritated by a member of the congregation who was a fast reader. Finally, announcing the 23rd Psalm, he added:
“And will the lady who is always by ‘the still waters’ while the rest of us are still in ‘green pastures,’ please pause until we catch up?”
Chain Vicars
If you are unhappy with our vicar, simply have our churchwarden send a copy of this letter to six other churches who are also tired of their vicar.
Then bundle up our vicar and send him to the church on the top of the list in the letter. Within a week you will receive 16,435 vicars and one of them should be all right!
Have faith in this chain letter for vicars. Do not break the chain. One church did – and got their old vicar back!
(From a Salisbury Theological College leaflet)
Collection
The church newsletter announced details of the church creche: ‘Children are normally collected during the Offertory Hymn.’
Bishop
An exam for R.E. asked the following question: ‘What does a Bishop do?’
Came one answer: ‘Move diagonally across the board.’
Pray with Grannie
A small boy went to church with his grandmother and joined her when she quietly slipped off the pew to kneel and pray. He even copied her example of burying her face in her hands. But after a few seconds his curiosity got the better of him. “Who are we hiding from, grannie?”
God’s Plan for Ageing?
Most senior citizens don’t get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that senior citizens become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made senior citizens lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided senior citizens would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest, even though you mutter under your breath.
Outside B&Q
I was waiting outside B&Q and my friend called and asked how big the queue was…
I said, “The same size as the B!”
Funeral
It was the funeral of the inventor of the dishwasher today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.
Failed Exam
My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music…
I have just seen a man running along the street with a cape on.
“Are you a Superhero?” I asked.
“No. I haven’t paid for my haircut!” he replied.
Car Insurance
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, “Yes, I’ve got a dog.”
She said, “Would you like to insure him too?”
I said, “Don’t be daft, he can’t drive!”
Rugby Ball
I tried to smuggle a rugby ball through customs… I thought it was worth a try!
Coughing
I watched a coughing contest on TV between residents of Botany Bay, Whitley Bay and Morecambe Bay… I love the Great British Bay Cough!
King James
A grandmother showed her granddaughter the special family Bible explaining that it was an old and beautiful King James Version.
The girl had a few questions, but Grandma was completely speechless when she asked, ‘So which virgin was the mother of Jesus – the Virgin Mary or the King James virgin?’
Quasimodo’s Hump
Quasimodo goes to the doctor about his hump.
The doctor asks Quasimodo to take off his raincoat.
“Remove your overcoat as well, please”, adds the doctor.
“And your jacket…”
“And your waistcoat…”
“And your shirt…”
“When did you last go to school?” asks the doctor.
“About 15 years ago”, replies Quasimodo.
The doctor asks, “Did you ever wonder where you’d left your satchel?!”
Piece of Rope
The other day I was walking along pulling a piece of rope behind me.
A chap asked me why I was pulling along a piece of rope so I told him, “You try pushing it!”
One Door Closes…..
When one door closes, another door opens… I think I need a new car!
Bag for Life
Why is it that supermarkets charge the same for a Bag for Life irrespective of how old you are when you buy it?
A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him… Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him!
New Shrub Trimmer
I bought a new shrub trimmer today. I proudly showed it my son.
“Have a look at this!” I said.
He replied, “That’s great dad.”
I said, “It’s cutting hedge technology!”
Recommended Author
I asked the librarian to recommend an author who writes dinosaur books. “Try Sarah Topps,” she replied.
Floral Delivery
I sent a clown to deliver some flowers to my wife… I thought it would be a romantic jester!
The Garage Mechanic
I was so worried that the garage mechanic would rip me off because I confessed I knew nothing about cars… Imagine my relief when he said I only needed indicator fluid!
Wrong Answer
My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking… Apparently ‘Slimming World’ was not the right answer!
Shakespeare
Student essay: Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, but he mostly lived at Windsor with his merry wives. This is quite usual with actors.
Have A Nice Day
Why is it that saying: “Have a nice day” sounds friendly, but saying “Enjoy your next 24hours” sounds threatening?
Writing home
A boy was sent by his parents to a school a long distance from home. He had been strictly enjoined to write home regularly and tell them all about himself and his new life. At the end of the first week, his first text arrived: “There are 370 boys here. I wish there were 369.”
As you get older!
As you get older the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
Carrie Fisher, American actress, writer and comedian.
Sources : Association for Church Editors, Parish Pump and various internet sites!
