The church treasurer came down early one morning and complained to his wife that he had hardly slept a wink. His wife asked ,
“Why on earth didn’t you count sheep?
He replied, “I did, and that’s what got me into trouble – I made a mistake in the first hour, and it took me until early morning to correct it.”
Hic!! A church notice sheet was prepared in great haste and it contained the following announcement. A proof reader would have helped! “There will be a special meeting of the Church Council next Saturday morning. We hope all members will be able to attend. It will be gin with breakfast at 7.30am.
Unhearing Vicar Following a short illness, a vicar lost his hearing, but he continued to preach the following Sunday morning. At lunch he told his family it was a very strange experience because he couldn’t hear himself preach.
One his his mischievous children promptly responded with, “You don’t know how lucky you were.”
Pancakes A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the chance for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”
Quick as a flash, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
Seagull A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?”
“He died and went to heaven,” the father replied.
The boy thought a moment and then asked: “Why did God throw him back down?”
Wise Words You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
More Wise Words Taking a dog called Shark to the beach is not a good idea!
The Magician What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian
Problem For Flat Earth Society Members The Flat Earth Society are reporting that the two metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge.
The Bandleader What did the bandleader call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Magic Carpet Racing Did you hear about the magic carpet racing world championship? Aladdin got banned due to performance enhancing rugs.
In The Restaurant Two women were in a restaurant when a duck walks in with a dozen red roses, places them on the table and says, “You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes”.
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, “No, we ordered AROMATIC duck!!!”
The Ven John Barton writes in praise of our health service.
“Save the NHS” was the slogan chosen by the British government when the coronavirus began to spread. Meant to evoke public compassion, and compliance with emergency regulations, it sounded as though the NHS was an endangered species. In fact it was the public themselves whose lives were in jeopardy; the National Health Service existed solely for their benefit. The slogan did manage to stir gratitude for a service which had been taken for granted, as well as appreciation of its 1.5+ million staff, many of whom were now putting their own lives at greater risk.
The idea for a countrywide medical service came from the Beveridge Report, instigated by the coalition government during World War II. “Medical treatment covering all requirements will be provided for all citizens by a national health service”, is how it was defined, though it had to wait until 1948 for its implementation to begin.
It was part of a programme for reconstruction, aiming to eliminate Want, Disease, Ignorance, Squalor and Idleness. Sir William Beveridge, who gave his name to the report, was close friends with two other social reformers: R H Tawney, and William Temple, who was to become Archbishop of Canterbury. Today’s Archbishop, Justin Welby, wrote this about the trio: “Drawing on Christian understandings of justice, generosity and human dignity, they described the kind of country that they felt reflected God’s values better.”
St Paul couldn’t have thought he was providing a slogan for a welfare state when he wrote, “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ”, but that is a neat summary of the way the National Health Service works. We all pay in when we can and we all benefit when we need.
One estimate of the cost of the NHS today is £158.4 billion, which in real terms is 10 times as much as in 1950. In the meantime, it’s no longer completely free for all. Prescription charges and dental fees have been introduced. The development of ever-more sophisticated life-saving drugs and medical procedures will inevitably mean higher costs – and a heightened moral dilemma. Must there be further limits to the provision of “medical treatment covering all requirements”?
The colossal task of rebuilding a shattered economy in the years to come may compel the British people to choose between what is essential and what is optional. The Christian principle now sounds particularly demanding: “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfil the law of Christ”.
I’ve recently had a major clearing out session at home. It’s amazing what I found lurking at the back of drawers and cupboards! No treasures for the Antiques Roadshow, but one odd find was a container full of teapot lids. Spring cleaning is a very healthy exercise in many ways, and not just because of the physical exertion involved. We need to get rid of things we no longer find useful, and sort out those which are still of benefit and value to us. Clearing space also allows us to acquire new things which make our homes more welcoming to ourselves and to others.
I realised I also needed to do a spiritual ‘spring cleaning’ and sort through some of the clutter in my life. Am I clinging on to attitudes, ideas, relationships which I really need to let go? Do I need more space in my life for other people, and for God? Do I need to explore new ideas and relationships in order to grow and move forwards? A spiritual ‘spring clean’ could help me see my priorities more clearly – what do I really value in life, which relationships are the most important and how is my relationship with God?
I was struck recently by Jesus’ words to Mary Magdalene in the garden, ‘Do not cling on to me.’ At the resurrection that temptation to hold on to Jesus must have been so strong for her and for all the disciples – but they had to let him go. Jesus’ promise to be with them always could only be fulfilled by his returning to his Father and sending the Holy Spirit as his living inner presence to his followers. So we need to learn when it is right to ‘let go’ of possessions and people, of attitudes and ideas, so that God’s good purpose in our lives might be fulfilled.
It’s ok that you didn’t clean the house today, It’s ok that you didn’t run six miles, It’s ok that you don’t know how to make soufflé, Or that you’re not always full of smiles, Don’t worry that you haven’t learnt to crochet, Don’t worry if you feel a little blue, It’s ok to relax sometimes, Just do the things that make you, you. Take this time to re-evaluate, The things you really need, Enjoy the sun that’s right outside, Read that book you want to read, Chat to a neighbour that you’ve never met, Re-read your favourite bible verse, Make sure that you’re eating well, And just remember, it could be worse. Remember you are loved, Remember to be safe, Phone a friend, say a prayer, Remember to have faith.