Time for a Smile

New Boy at Sunday Club

A new boy turned up at a Sunday Club and the leader asked him a few questions to break the ice and ended with asking him what his father did. He’s a magician, sir,” said the boy.

“How interesting,” said the leader, “What’s his favourite trick –  what is he really very good at doing?”

The boy replied, “He’s very good at sawing people in half.” The leader was impressed.

“Now tell me something more about yourself, do you have any brothers and sisters?” asked the teacher. “Yes sir,” replied Johnny, I have one brother and two half sisters.”

Film Evening

A man running a little behind schedule arrived at a church film evening and, in the semi darkness, he managed to find a seat.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the film. It even seemed to be enjoying the film, wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

At the end the man approached the dog’s owner, “Wow, I’m amazed at how your dog really seemed to enjoy the film” The owner replied, “Yes, I can’t believe it myself, because he hated the book.”

Late Night Birth

It was late at night and a lady who was expecting her second child was at home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Molly. The lady started to go into labour and called 999.

Only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The room was dimly lit, so the paramedic asked Molly to hold a torch so he could see better to deliver the baby. Soon, a little  baby boy was born and the paramedic lifted him up, smacked him gently and the baby began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked the wide-eyed Molly for her help, and asked her what she thought about the baby boy.  She quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place – smack him again.”

How to make your wife more efficient

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: “But whatever you do, do NOT attempt these task-organising tips at home,” he said. 

When he was asked why not, he explained: “Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast. I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So, I told her: ‘Darling you are making too many trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would only try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.’”  He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked.

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her 15 minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes.”

What it says on the sign

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optician’s office:  “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a house’s fence:  “Salespeople welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a car exhaust centre: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a vet’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”

Not a bride

“Something’s wrong with me,” sighed a young lady after a wedding. “I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, I even caught the bouquet, too; but I’m still single.”

“Next time,” advised her grandmother, “don’t reach for the flowers; reach for the best man.”


A champion athlete in bed with a cold was told that he had a high temperature. “How high is it?” he asked the attending physician.

“A hundred and one.”

“What’s the world record?”

Air Raid Siren

During the war, the old couple got used to reacting to the air raid siren, rushing down the garden and into the Anderson shelter until the raid was over. One such night, they had only just got into the shelter when the old lady starting running back towards the house. “What are you doing” shouted her husband, “I’ve forgot my false teeth” she shouted back. “Don’t be so stupid” shouted her husband, ” they are dropping bombs, not meat pies”

Bike Job

I’ve just started working at a bicycle factory.

I’m their spokesperson.

Sources : Association for Church Editors & Parish Pump (Derek the Cleric cartoon © Andy Robb)

News Items You May Have Missed

#FaithAtHome aims to make prayer a household habit

The Church of England has recently launched #FaithAtHome, a new programme which it is hoped will “make prayer a household habit once again.”

#FaithAtHome will feature weekly video content to help families to talk about faith and pray together. The videos will be led by children, young people, staff and school leaders from across the country.

The #FaithAtHome programme will run for an initial 11 weeks, until the end of July, and can be accessed at churchofengland.org/faithathome.  It will explore themes including courage, patience, generosity, resilience, love and hope.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said: “The aim of these resources is to offer simple ways for families and households to approach complex and difficult topics, such as illness, fear and bereavement.  The coronavirus pandemic has forced people to confront difficult and painful questions that none of us can explore on our own.

“My hope and prayer is that #FaithAtHome will not only equip children and young people to engage with difficult questions, but also inspire them.”

The Church of England’s Chief Education Officer, Nigel Genders said: “Home is the new normal, and faith at home is a habit we need to rediscover. #FaithAtHome will offer people of all ages and faith backgrounds a chance to pause, think and reflect, and to rebuild lost habits of prayer and faithful reflection in the home.”

Christians Against Poverty (CAP) concerned at rising level of household debt

“The coronavirus crisis will push thousands of households to the brink.”  So warns a spokesman for CAP, the charity which helps people in debt.

So, while CAP approves the Government’s recent £20 per week boost for those on Universal Credit and those receiving Tax Credits, “what many won’t realise is that a staggering 2.83 million people will still fall through a gap in this vital provision.

“These people are those who are still receiving ‘old style’ benefits that Universal Credit is designed to replace – things like Job Seeker’s Allowance (JSA) or Employment Support Allowance (ESA). 

“Around one in five of our clients will therefore miss out on the Government’s support package, which is worth more than £1,000 over the next twelve months.”

In all, CAP has listed three further changes it would like to see the Government make: 

Increase Job Seeker’s Allowance and Employment Support Allowance by £20 per week.

Increase Local Housing Allowance (LHA) rates to the median market rents. 

Suspend the benefit cap during the pandemic.

In the meantime, CAP has launched a coronavirus emergency appeal to provide everything from emergency food packages to fuel vouchers, to crucial mobile phone credit to help those who are isolated stay connected during this time.  It points out that one in five adults in the UK has less than £100 in savings, and that 38% of their clients’ debt is priority debts like rent, Council Tax and utility bills.

If you can help, go to www.capuk.org

Coronavirus cases in Africa increasing sharply

Christian Aid has warned that time is running out to prevent coronavirus overwhelming health systems across Africa.

As coronavirus infections rise sharply across the continent, and with African countries lacking the specialist equipment or staff to cope with a pandemic, the international development agency is calling for the cancellation of debt repayments from African countries this year, so that money can be freed up and spent instead on saving lives.

As the poorest continent in the world, Africa is least equipped to provide the specialist care necessary to treat people infected with coronavirus. According to the World Health Organisation there are less than 2,000 ventilators and 5,000 intensive care unit beds across the entire Africa region.

 Patrick Watt, Christian Aid’s Director of Policy, Public Affairs and Campaigns, said: “Debt repayments falling due this year should be cancelled in full if we want African countries to have a fighting chance of limiting the spread of coronavirus, and surviving the hit to their economies.

“It is completely perverse that dozens of the world’s poorest countries are expected to pay debts to wealthy creditors in the midst of the biggest global health challenge in a generation, and the worst economic downturn since the 1930s. At this moment, cancelling the debt is a matter of life and death.”

Source for all news items : Parish Pump

How to use Zoom for a church meeting, Bible study, prayer session or small group

Here is an interesting article from the Church of England website. I wonder if the writer has been to St Luke’s because we already follow most of the best practice described here!


If you do not already join us for Morning Prayer and/or Sunday Services on your phone, tablet or laptop, and have not received an email from the PCC Secretary with the details, please contact Steve Smith by email at secy@stlukesholmeschapel.uk

Trinity Sunday – Celebrating our God who is Three Persons

Trying to explain the doctrine of the Trinity has kept many a theologian busy down the centuries.  One helpful picture is to imagine the sun shining in the sky. The sun itself – way out there in space, and unapproachable in its fiery majesty – is the Father. The light that flows from it, which gives us life and illuminates all our lives, is the Son. The heat that flows from it, and which gives us all the energy to move and grow, is the Holy Spirit. You cannot have the sun without its light and its heat.  The light and the heat are from the sun, are of the sun, and yet are also distinct in themselves, with their own roles to play.

The Bible makes clear that God is One God, who is disclosed in three persons:  Father, Son (Jesus Christ) and Holy Spirit. For example: 

Deuteronomy 6:4: ‘Hear O Israel, The Lord our God, the Lord is one.’

Isaiah 45:22: ‘Turn to me and be saved… for I am God, and there is no other.’

Genesis 1:1-2: ‘In the beginning God created…. and the Spirit of God was hovering…’

Judges 14:6: ‘The Spirit of the Lord came upon him in power…’

John 1:1-3: ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made.’ 

Luke 24:49 actually manages to squeeze the whole Trinity into one sentence.  Jesus tells His disciples: ‘I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power (the Holy Spirit) from on high.’ 

In other words, the sun eternally gives off light and heat, and whenever we turn to its brilliant light, we find that the warmth and life there as well.

(Source : Parish Pump)

Meeting Jesus in the ring

Five boxers dedicated their lives to Jesus recently at a ringside baptism service in East London. The men, who came to faith in God through a missional boxing project in Romford, shared their testimonies to friends and family in a ceremony set out like a boxing match.

Stormzy was the backing track to the event at the Church of the Good Shepherd, where seats were laid out in the round with a baptismal pool in the centre. Following his submersion, one boxer said: “I feel like a clean person and the worries are off my shoulders,” while another shared how his journey of faith had “re-lit the fire and belief that was always there, and with the help of the other guys, I discovered what it was – that I was lost. Being a part of this community has made me want to be a better person.”   

Church minister Dave Harrigan, launched The Good Shepherd Boxing Community in 2015, as a hub for the local community to build relationships and encounter God. He said: “This baptism is a fulfilment of our vision for pioneer ministry and is exciting proof that pioneer projects such as the Good Shepherd Boxing Community are an effective way of being ‘church’ for people who live outside the traditional bounds of the regular church and who wouldn’t normally attend a Sunday service.”

Source : Association for Church Editors